You are thrilled to begin your family tree but gathering the stories, dates, and names you need most often requires going on a quest for information from other family members. You talk to your relatives, and some treasured details will surface that were never written down anywhere. A little tact and etiquette do come into play when requiring genealogy information from family members. Some people are hesitant to discuss private events or memories that make them uncomfortable.
Here’s a guide to help you walk through such discussions with caution and respect to obtain the desired information while respecting your family’s boundaries.
Start with Relations Close to You
It generally makes sense to start with relatives who you are most familiar with, such as parents, grandparents, or siblings. They are going to be more at ease with sharing because you have known them for years, and they have the most direct knowledge of family background that will help you to anchor yourself. Talking to close relatives can also give you some leads on other relatives who may have useful information.
When you feel ready to interact with distant relatives or acquaintances with whom you are not close, then your immediate family can introduce you to their personalities and sensitivities, so it is easier reaching out to them with the right approach and sensitivity.
Be Clear About Your Intentions
Before you begin asking, discuss with your family why you are asking them these questions. Let them know that you are doing research on your family history to learn who you are and to safeguard the stories of generations before you. Some will not open up if they feel you are just being nosy, so they will appreciate your reason for asking.
For instance, you could phrase it: “I am working on a family tree with an intention of gaining as much information as I can about our family history. These stories should remain in the families.”
This doesn’t just outline the purpose but also says that their stories are valuable and important.
Handle Sensitive Subjects Delicately
Family history tells many happy and sad stories, sometimes both at once. Some topics, like marital history, illness, or even death, may be particularly sensitive to your loved one. While you would typically be naturally inquisitive about the story, tread carefully and as far as they want you to.
- Let them steer the conversation: If they initiate a subject, listen to them with sympathy, but do not probe them for more information if they do not seem interested in elaborating upon it .
- Use softer words: Do not use words or phrases that may be too probing such as “Why did that happen?” Softer words can be used like “Would you mind if I heard more about that incident?
- Give them an out: If you think this is going to be a touchy subject, let them know they don’t have to discuss anything they really would rather not. You might say something like, “I completely understand if you don’t want to talk about this.”
Sensitivity to their emotions means you do care about how they might be working through some experiences and boundaries, and you encourage additional openness and meaning.
Use Open-Ended Questions
Collect family stories with open questions that allow your relative to share freely. This includes asking for details by starting some of your questions with “what,” “how,” or “why.” Use such questions to investigate things you may not have even anticipated finding in the stories.
Here are a few examples of open-ended questions to get the conversation going:
- “What was life like when you were growing up?”
- “How did our family come to live in this area?”
- “Are there any family traditions or special memories you’d like to share?”
- “Do you remember any stories about your parents or grandparents?”
Avoid leading questions, as these can quickly shut down a conversation. Instead, work toward making it a storytelling opportunity, as this can be one way to elicit fascinating details and insights that likely would not come out otherwise.
Respect Privacy and Boundaries
Not everyone will be comfortable discussing their, or a family member’s personal history, and that is fine. Family history research is a personal journey, and many will have memories they keep private or are too painful to revisit. If someone does not want to answer a question or seems uncomfortable, let it go without forcing the issue further. The goal is to collect stories they want to tell, not push for a story they do not wish to share.
If they are resistant, make it clear that you respect their boundaries. You might say something to the effect of: “I appreciate any information you’re willing to share, and I completely understand if there are parts of the past that are private.”
Take Notes or Record with Permission
Properly taking notes during these conversations is essential, but it’s also very important to ask permission first. Let your family members know that you would like to write down their stories so you don’t miss any details. It shows respect for their words and makes them feel much more comfortable.
If you wish to videotape or record an audio of the interview, it is obviously okay if and explain to them whether they are agreeable to such. Some people do not appreciate being recorded, so it should be respected if they decline. You can also capture not only the stories but also your loved one’s voices and personalities through recordings when they do not mind.
Share What You've Learned
Then, as you research, let your family in on what you’ve found out. Sharing what you learn tends to light up more memories and stories because relatives often recall even more details if they hear familiar names or events. Besides, it’s a great way of letting them know that their contributions are valued and appreciated.
Consider writing a family newsletter or even a shared document where you can document these stories and discoveries. Such a way would provide all members of the family access to and enjoyment of the historical family heritage which you’re building together. Family members might even volunteer additional information or photos to enhance your research.
Be Grateful
When family members take their precious time to share their memories with you, it is great to appreciate their generosity in this regard. Of course, an appreciation in words “thanks” would be sufficient, but there are so many other creative ways of expressing gratitude. You could send a follow-up message, a small gift, write a handwritten note, or simply let them know how those stories helped you understand the family’s past.
For example, following a conversation that was particularly meaningful, you would say, “Thank you so much for these stories. That really helps me feel closer to our family’s history, and I am so grateful you took the time to talk with me.”
Conversations
Since family history is something that is helpful for lifetime and can at times not be emotionally prepared to share everything in one sitting, respect their limits and work on trust, paving the path to further conversations. Let your family members know it’s fine if they want to share more later, and you can just maintain contact with them.
You would be amazed at how family members open up, especially when they see the keen interest you have in keeping these stories. Some relatives may even get in touch with some information or memories which they never thought of.
Final Thoughts
Genealogy asks family members for information, but building relationships, showing empathy in listening, and respect are the key parts. By this set of guidelines, you will be creating an amicable space for family members to share this information, and to conduct meaningful stories and insights into your own family tree.
It is through patience, gratitude, and an open heart that you will find the reason why your family is special and pass on the stories for generations to come.
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